The alarm goes off. You’re beyond parched. Everything is pulsating. Your head is split like the San Andreas Fault – as in the fault from the 2015 Dwayne the Rock Johnson Hollywood blockbuster. Where the hell did these bruises come from? Whose number is this? How the fuck is it morning already?
Shit! You gotta be at work in thirty, and ready for that presentation in forty-five. What to do? Cry? Cawl back in bed and succumb to what will be a wasted day? Hell no. Ballers don’t get hungover. Ballers beat hangovers. Well, ballers know how to best marginalize them.
Below is a painstakingly curated list of the most balling ways to defeat a hangover – tested by yours truly, with some assistance from the talented HBO Ballers cast
The human body is 60% water. H20 covers over 70% of the Earth’s surface. Hell, the filth you slugged last night was mostly made from it. Whether you get on it, in it, or under it – we recommend embracing it. At the very least, heed superchef Makonnen’s advice: drink more water.
Rehydration and relaxation? That’s not only responsible, it’s #baller.
2. Chew Pills
While the Spencer Strassmore go-to shouldn’t be recommended to all, its proclivity to both numb the body and replace that stale-breath-whiskey-taste with one that is equally disgusting, makes it a great distraction – and hangover cure.
Real #ballers don’t have time to wash ‘em down.
3. Celebrate the Holidays
The main reasons why holidays rule is the enthusiasm – secular or religious, summer or winter – regardless of the context, revelers are too stoked, too ardent and probably still too drunk to even acknowledge a pathetic little hangover. Oh, boo-hoo, it doesn’t feel like a real holiday? We suggest telling your grandma that you love her, arguing with your dickhead uncle, or at the very least, dressing up to get in the mood.
“December 25th? Fuck that. This year Christmas also falls on today. AKA ‘The morning after I went to that party, drank a fifth of Rumple Minze and funneled a can of cream of mushroom soup.’” – Jesse Laier, professional baller
4. Pedialyte, ya dummy
No longer just the #1 delirium tremens cure for babies, Pedialyte is now also embraced by adults. It’s a fucking miracle worker. Everyone knows the deal already, so jump on the damn bandwagon. Pedialyte is a revolution. It’s a deity. It’s pervasive. It is pop culture. In fact, the only truly great – and believable – thing to come from True Detective season 2 is Ray Velcoro’s affinity for the magical elixir. Wonder if he prefers the drink or the pops.
This kid got so fucked up last night. Dad has no idea. #seethelyte
5. Hair of the Dog
Joe’s go-to is sometimes the only viable option. A stiff, spicy Bloody Mary is your best bet (unlike that weak-ass, watered down one Mr. Anderson had).
Work hard/play hard. Joe hustlin’ as true #Ballers do.
6. Eat A Still Beating Cobra Heart
Don’t forget to let the blood and bile first – oh, and the poison too – you don’t want that.
“Cobra hearts are the embodiment of virility and loaded with electrolytes, so eat up. And here’s a #ballerstip – soak your face in the bile – it’s an aphrodisiac, I think.” – John Beisner, professional baller
8. Brunch, Baby, Brunch
Do we need to state the obvious? Spence, Jason, Anabelle and Ricky know the deal.
#Ballerstip: Method #5 can easily be incorporated into brunching.
9. Join A Cult
The Branch Davidians, Peoples Temple, The Church of Scientology, I’m From Barcelona – what do they have in common? They all have lots of members, who generally are crazy. How does this relate to staving off alcohol-induced pain? When crazy people are all up in your shit, swarming you from every angle, begging for you to participate in orgies and drink laced Kombucha, there’s simply no time to think about a hangover.
“Let the friendly cult folk fawn over you. Give them the attention that your hangover deserves. As for the escape plan, simply bring a friend posing as a VICE reporter and tell the cult leader you already Snapchatted the ranch. Cult leaders HATE media controversies.” – Spencer Darr, professional baller
10. Rock the Fuck Out
Chicks dig rock stars.
Trust us, we are professional ballers. We are ballers on ballers.