**Scroll to the bottom for our “Ride and Die” Baller of the Week and Least Baller of the Week picks!**
Ballers is back! The internationally beloved HBO documentary about Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s life has stepped it’s game up for season three. So far we’ve added an old flame of Spencer’s (Chloe), Steve Gutenberg, Stephen Curry® branded content and a Vegas plot line involving Tim Brown and a shark monster truck jump.
Yet, all is not peachy keen in the Ballersverse. Sony, Yahoo, the DNC, the NSA, MAGAers, Tumblr, Linux– no entity seems safe from the threat of #hacks, lately. Next up, HBO. Thousands of documents have been trickling out for weeks, including episode scripts for Game Of Thrones, Room 104, and you guessed it – Ballers.
We Ballers on Ballers were naturally conflicted. Keep the blinders on and hope to power through the second half of the season, all the while risking spoilers? Bite the bullet and read through the entire season 3 script? Well, fellow Ballers fans, we tried option one, it was near impossible; we were getting blown up with Tweets and emails containing spoilers from Vin Diesel-heads/Ballers haters. Thus, without further ado, here is our summation on what’s to come in the remaining episodes of Ballers season 3.
The freaky thing is though, not the leaks themselves, but our amazing ability to have predicted much of these plot lines before the the first episode of the season.
SPOILERS AHEAD, OBVIOUSLY!! –
There hasn’t been too much TTD and Dennis yet, which although worrisome, does not reflect their usage later in the season, as both become central figures to Ricky’s story line, which incorporates a real life scenario. Elizabeth Warren, Ballers super fan / President Rock’s future VP, meets Ricky at a Patriots charity event in downtown Boston. Fresh off a Super Bowl victory – and potential CTE brain damage – checking off the last boxes needed for a Hall of Fame ballot, Ricky quickly becomes inspired by Senator Warren, and heavily considers retiring to pursue a career in politics and civil service. TTD and Dennis find themselves unlikely allies against an unlikely adversary – their new state senator, whom they’ve campaigned for!
Looking to refocus Ricky on football, they connect him with a “totally not stoned” Vern who convinces a reluctant Mr. Jerret to take a controversial mentee under his wing – Ezekiel Elliott. Desperate after recent domestic violence assault allegations led to a six game suspension, Zeke needs someone who understands, and also has experience being publicly reviled. An older, wiser, less mercurial Ricky is morally conflicted. Ultimately, he forgets about Zeke completely, accidentally locking him in his basement, when he steps outside to take a FaceTime from Senator Warren. Ricky declines her offer, but successfully lobbies for Dennis to serve as her top advisor regarding education reform and TTD to lead Massachusetts’ inchoate legal marijuana program. Refreshed and refocused on football, Ricky celebrates with TTD and Dennis. They’re such best friends. However, Ballers does not give us closure on Elliott, as the remaining six episodes coincides with his six week suspension. He gets no service down in Ricky’s basement, and no one bothers to check down there, now that Ricky can barely even find his own house.
Still “totally not blazed” Vernon is feeling good and decides to double down on his High Powered grow house investment. Unfortunately, Reggie has diverted much of those profits to his other burgeoning business venture, with his true best friend – Reg N’ Joe Party Yacht Rentals. It’s smooth sailing at first, but things quickly hit rough seas when multiple employees quit and file suit against a wealthy client for sexual harassment – none other than New York Knicks owner, James Dolan.
This is unbeknownst to Spencer, who has been following JD & The Straight Shot on tour, with hopes of convincing their lead singer to do something unprecedented – sign the first female NBA player. Karly is a phenom, shattering NCAA records while leading UConn to 235 consecutive wins. She’s also Tracy Legette’s younger sister. Receiving texts from both Karly and Spencer mid-Sports Center broadcast, Tracy believes in her sister’s ability to change the world of basketball, but also sees Spencer’s motivations as a veiled effort to win her back (spoiler within a spoiler – Spencer and Chloe have a very public, awkward breakup in the middle of the Las Vegas metropolitan arena, when the Vegas Golden Knights realize they forgot to draft a backup goalie and need Spence to jump down from the crowd and fill in last minute for the season opener, after Marc-André Fleury pulls a hamstring).
Heartbroken twice over, and reeling from his new career .754 save percentage, Spencer re-assumes his ‘Mr. Chavez’ alias. He begins chewing pills at an alarming rate, even by his own standards. Luckily for Spence, he finds guidance from likewise recently rock-bottomed (no pun intended) and even-more-recently sober Reggie, who lost both Vernon’s alpaca Rihanna and all of their High Powered endorsement money in a James Dolan revenge plot gone wrong.
A self-reflective Spencer picks himself up. Flushes the pills. Convinces the Knicks to sign Tracy’s sister Karly, mere minutes before James Dolan is convicted on sexual harassment charges. To no one’s surprise, she’s a star! Tim “71 mill” Hardaway becomes expendable and is waived. The new big three of Kristaps, Frank and Tracy lead the Knicks to the promise land. The league is floored. The calls keep flooding in. Steph Curry decides to go back on his bail-artist/bad-friend ways and signs with Anderson Sports Management.
He’s not the only big-name new ASM client, as Joe meets the charitable Colin Kaepernick in a soup kitchen. Spencer, Joe, and especially Jason are livid when Dan Orlovsky is signed and Kaep can’t get a workout because “performance reasons.” Serendipity strikes, with Ryan Tannehill already out for the season, Jay Cutler tears an ACL in a ZORB accident. Jason and Charles strike at the opportunity immediately, convincing Seifert and the Dolphins to sign Kaep. Things are once again smooth in the Ballersverse, until a confederate-tattoo’ed star lineman, Dicky Clandestine, threatens to demand a trade if Kaep is signed, citing “patriotic reasons” and “heritage not hate.”
Cooler, not-racist heads prevail. The Dolphins sign Kaep and cut Dickie, but not before a clip of Dr. Julie Greene putting him in his place on the sideline goes viral. The Phins go 11-5 and knock Ricky’s Pats out of the playoffs in the AFC Championship, en route to a Miami Super Bowl win. Berg and Seifert finally kiss and make up. The now-unemployed, and exposed, lineman throws his manager, Andre, and financial investment partner, Wayne Jr., under the bus when he leaks a tape of the three of them watching Sanford and Son, laughing at each other’s disgusting jokes.
Their reputations are crippled. Tim Brown is appalled, forcing Wayne Hastings Jr. out of the Raiders sweepstakes. ASM, now unencumbered by competition, and refocused on the 3-0-5, blossoms into the industry-leading behemoth it was always destined to be. Spencer texts Ricky. Ricky texts TTD. The Funhouse is reopened to celebrate.
Still “totally not blazed,” ex-NFL defensive end/current R&B vocalist Vernon “Smooth Snacks” Littlefield kicks off the party with his first live performance.
Season 3, Week 4 – “Ride and Die” – Baller of the Week + Least Baller of the Week Votes
Baller of the Week
- Jesse “The Brick” Laier: Bossman – Came around on Vern, got in the deal for the Vegas team, was on vacation with his family, got a massage.
- Spencer “Strasmore” Darr: Chloe – Sex positive, values privacy (no screenshotting nudes), comes through in the clutch for Spence again (convinces Hastings Jr. to stay in Vegas).
- John “Billz” Beisner: Dennis – “Fuck Tom Brady, I’m unfollowing his ass.”
Least Baller of the Week
- John “Billz: Beisner: Reggie – Getting aggressive with Spence/Joe, dragging Vernon even further down with the bad optics weed investment…and where is Rihanna the alpaca?!
- Spencer “Strasmore” Darr : Seifert – Poor leader, pouts, flip flops constantly. Though, props on a quality zinger farewell (“Do you know what subtext is?”).
- Jesse “The Brick” Laier: Ricky – He’s loosing his mind and is now going to be charged with breaking and entering, as well as assault.
Note: The above “spoilers” are not real. They could be correct guesses. Time will tell.