The latest Ballers episode, “I Hate New York,” brought fans a bevy of reunions and new revelations. Rick and Julie Green palin’ around again…and Ricky’s definitely concussed! The Anderson brothers back in action…and Bret eats paste! Vernon’s certainly suspended…but can still get free VR porn! Joe is turning into Spencer 2.0! There’s a lot of info that Evan T. Reilly and co. lay bare for Ballersheads to overanalyze, but there’s also some subtly.
Most oddly notable, is the conversation taking place as team ASM rolls up to Julian Anderson’s Southampton mansion:
Spencer: “If we get bogged down in private equity bullshit, I’m just gonna break out some locker room stories.”
Joe: “Yea, maybe spare em the one about how you took a shit in Chad Pennington’s cleats. What do you say?”
Spencer: (chuckles) “He deserved it.”
Confirmed. Spencer dropped a deuce (multiple deuces?) in the cleats (plural) of none other than legendary ex-Jets and Dolphins quarterback, Chad Pennington. The same very James Chadwick Pennington who is the only player to win the AP NFL Comeback Player of the Year Award, twice! The same Chadwick drafted ahead of some vainglorious Ugg-wearing dork in 2000.
So, what did Chadwick the Bull Breeder do to deserve it? No one, except maybe Chadwick himself, knows – not even us Ballers on Ballers, the preeminent source for all Ballers takes! Yet, we’ll certainly try. Maybe…
Chad Embarrassed Spencer on the Field
Before they were teammates, these two were AFC East rivals. It could’ve been during the November, 2004 game where Chad threw for 3TDs to the tune of a 131.4 QBR, in a 41-14 Jets win. Or Chad’s Christmas night heroics against the Dolphins in 2006. Or his 3TDs that slapped the Phins in the face during the lost 1-15 2007 season. Whenever it was, there’s a good chance that Spencer bit too hard, only to watch the infamous Marshall Soft Touch float effortlessly over his head, ultimately en route to the end zone – we need to watch the tapes. This could’ve happened more than once.
Chad Stole Spencer’s Girl in the 305
That’d make for a juicy episode of Glazed and Confused, but it’s unlikely. By the time Woodford County, Kentucky’s Chadwick made it down to Trick Daddy’s city, he was a 32 year old, injury-prone veteran who was known for his wet noodle of an arm. Not a prototypical partier by anyone’s account, Chad did not fit the stereotypical plastic, opulent Miami lifestyle. Also, Chad had been married to his college girlfriend, Robin Hampton, for seven years at that point. Not that age, lack of arm strength and legal marriage are surefire signs of “not a philanderer,” but most public accounts corroborate that Chadwick and Robin, who have three kids, and a multi-state community building non-profit together, have been madly in love, and were never the types to step-out…or swing.
Mr. Chavez Came-a-Callin
We’ve seen Spencer Strasmore’s struggle with a painkiller addiction in his post-football days. We also know that the pill-chewin’ dates back to those playing days. It’s quite possible that Spencer’s opiatephile alter ego, Mr. Chavez, was in control at the time, enraged and jonesin’ for his next fix. Maybe Chad tried to intervene…Or maybe he got caught swiping Spencer’s chewables.
Spencer Never Got to Wildcat
The second time Chad won AP Comeback Player of the Year was in 2008, which will live on as The Wildcat Season. Chad, Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, Tedd Ginn, Davon Bess, heck – even, Patrick Cobbs (remember him?) and a still-hyped Ted Ginn Jr. got in on the fun. Strasmore’s defensive mates Phillip Merling and Will Allen even scored touchdowns that season. Maybe being part of the greatest single season turnaround in NFL history wasn’t enough for Strasmore. Maybe he wanted the ball in his hands after seeing it being passed around in unconventional ways. Maybe he thought he could orchestrate it better than Chad.
It’s an easy mistake to make, thinking Chad Pennington and Chad Henne are the same person. After all, they’re both generic looking white dudes who toss footballs around for a living. Stack that on top of the fact that football is a reckless, violent blood sport where brains are frequently battered against the unforgiving thickness of the skull, so we know Spencer has suffered through multiple concussions through his career, and you have a recipe for misidentifying one honky for another. So, Spencer actually took a shit in Chad HENNE’s shoes, not Chad PENNINGTON’s teal and orange cleats. And Spencer didn’t actually take a shit— he stuck them up his ass and shat them out. Perfectly reasonable mistake to make.